March 9, 2013

by jkatejohnston

Dear Max,

I heard on the radio a few weeks ago that people tend to overestimate the likelihood that good things will happen to them and underestimate the likelihood that bad things will happen to them.  Well, good!

I’m completely convinced for long moments at a time that I will win the Pillsbury Bake-Off.  Hurrah!  We’re rich!  What should I have “done” first, my eyes or my thighs?  (Thighs.) 

The radio said that people have about a thirty percent chance of getting cancer, but they think it’s more like twenty percent. And I thought, gee, I would have guessed about five percent. 

Thirty percent?  That means that there’s a sixty percent chance that either Teresa or I will get cancer.  More likely than not.  I still don’t believe it. 

But it made me start thinking about who I’d prefer to have cancer, myself or Teresa.  I think I’d handle it a little more cheerfully.  And at least I’d be able to see if it lives up to my fantasies, in which I am very brave and finally thin.  But what about dying?  I think I’d rather have her to that.

Teresa says she wouldn’t want to outlive me.  She’d be too lonely.  I take that kindly.  I think I’d rather live.  Lonely, bereft, heartbroken, old–and alive.  I’ll take it.

By the way, I haven’t even entered the Pillsbury Bake-Off, but I’m definitely going to, and even after everything I’ve just written, I like my chances.

 *

Here’s a piece about the Bake-Off from my food book.  

 The Bake-Off

Teresa and I have been talking about what we’ll do when I win the Pillsbury Bake-Off.  It’s a million dollars.  At first we said that we really liked our lives the way they are and we wouldn’t change a thing, except that I would get that crown on my lower left molar.  I would keep working—how would I get away from Enzo and Teresa if I didn’t work?—and Teresa would keep doing art and being Enzo’s roadie.  Then we thought maybe we’d get a dishwasher.  And while we were at it we might as well remodel the kitchen.  And get a new car.  And maybe get the teensiest bit of plastic surgery.  And pretty soon a million dollars didn’t really seem like enough.

By the way, my food book is out.  It’s called Delusions For Breakfast, and it’s on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.  I guess I’ll post a link soon.

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