13 June 2013

by jkatejohnston

Dear Max,

(5:15 a.m.) The Bake Off semi-final results are due today, but they aren’t posted yet. I’m all ready to curse those Pillsbury motherfuckers, but I can’t quite do it yet.

(8:30 p.m.) I’m so depressed. There’s no justice. See above. Pillsbury motherfuckers.

We were doing last-day-of kindergarten activities all day, so finally, at the second potluck I asked someone to check the Bake Off results on her iPhone. She scrolled and scrolled. Crispy Lime Turkey Cheeseballs…Lime in the Coconut Cookie Fudge…Honey Roasted Corn and Crab Puffs. And I wasn’t there. It felt a little bit like checking bar exam results. Only this time I didn’t pass.

I can never manage to sound as dead tired as I am. Take my word for it. Even my fingers are sick and tired of the whole thing. They feel heavy and can’t type right.

(next morning)

Still sad about the Bake Off. I realize now that I was pretty much counting on at least making it into the semi-finals. The Bake Off was my back-up plan. Back-up plans are supposed to be reliable.

Plan A: Writer (not working out)

Plan B: Lawyer (mediocre results)

Plan C: Bake Off winner interviewed by Oprah, who discovers she is also Writer. First gay Bake Off winner. And isn’t her family adorable?