Chub

by jkatejohnston

18 July 2013

Dear Max,

I’m typing this using some software made for taking law school exams on your laptop. I’m supposed to be practicing for my administrative law exam on Saturday. Too bad I have no idea how to take tests anymore. We had a practice exam on the last night of class, and I totally flunked it. A sobering evening.

More importantly, I haven’t taken a shit since Monday. I blame the Supreme Court. I’m trying to lose five pounds before the wedding. I’m not sure why. The dress I’m going to wear (navy with cream polka dots) fits fine. And Grandma’s suit is way out of reach. (See my discussion of same http://wp.me/p31TvO-2I) It just seems like something you have to do, like reading the banns for three Sundays, or the marriage won’t be valid.

Remember my resolution from a couple of months ago to trash the Fat Fight spreadsheet and live a richer, deeper (fatter) life? http://wp.me/p31TvO-tV It worked out perfectly and now I find I don’t like it. (Chub.)

I gave blood a couple of days ago, and it did not live up to expectations as a meditative technique, but it wasn’t horrible, and I had the eating-disordery thought: I wonder how many calories you burn regenerating a pint of blood? And also, a pint’s a pound the world around! If only you could donate fat.

I think dieting has to do with ritual purity, expiating guilt and CONTROL. It’s for your looks and health too of course, but I could do a lot more for my looks with some very minor grooming and as for my health, my blood pressure’s so low that my heart scarcely seems to be beating at all.

If only I could take a crap. As Grandma Clara said when she was in a similar fix, that is my number one priority.

Advertisements