Sham Goddess

by jkatejohnston

7 August 2013

Dear Max,

It’s eleven and I’ve been lying awake in bed since a little after nine. Not miserable awake. Just listening to music, thinking about stuff, having a good cry. I had this fantasy about Teresa dying of cancer, my courage and grief, Enzo’s terrible puzzled sadness. Enjoyable in its own way, but now I’m tired and I still can’t sleep.

I’m remembering this moment that I forgot to meditate. Have let down entire world and Oprah too, who I still love, even though I did not win the writing contest.

I meant to meditate. I went to the library and got Mindfulness For Beginners and downloaded it to my laptop. And then I remembered that my big sister sent me a meditation starter kit several years ago, and by some burst of mind I knew right where to look for it, and there it was, but the first CD is missing. This is appropriate, since I’ve also missed the first two days of the Oprah and Deepak 21-Day Meditation Challenge.

And, googling away, I see that the centering thought for day three is: I Am A Wondrous Miracle of Life. Well. Here goes…

*

Next Morning. I don’t know if I meditated. The mantra of the day was Sham, which was supposed to bring your mind back to the centering thought for the day. Sham…Sham…Sham…did they not check the meaning of this word in English?

*

Yesterday was Enzo’s last day of dodge ball, and it was parents against the kids. Teresa played and I was the videographer. She’s a good athlete. It’s fun to watch her throw a ball. The whole event was wonderfully cheerful, and it was nice to see the dad who never takes his face out of his phone firing bullets at the delighted kids. And I have to record that the one girl in dodge ball—African American, about seven—travels by walk, run and also, sometimes, front walk-over. Just getting around.

*

Just got an email from Oprah. Today’s centering thought is Miraculous Self. That should be easy.

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