Even The Coolest Baby Will Never Be A Croc

by jkatejohnston

25 November 2013

Dear Max,

Enzo’s got it in for babies lately, at least when he talks to me:

“I just don’t trust babies anymore. They’re not very smart. They can just be playing and get eaten by a two-ton crocodile. Or even alligator snapping turtle. You’re more likely to lose your baby than get struck by lightning.”

I told him that ever since he stopped being a baby I don’t have much use for them either. Actually, it’s nice to get a dose of one now and then. But the best part is handing it back.


“I like my money. I’m actually very fond of it.” I tell him people are more important than money. “That’s not even true. Crocodiles are better than babies. Even the coolest baby will never be a croc. It may sound funny but a few years ago, I was a baby. And now I’m almost a fully grown man.” And here he drops to a whisper. “I might say a bad word. Babies suck. I said it.”


Since Enzo’s an only child, I don’t see how babies are really his problem. Maybe adjusting to a younger sibling is a developmental necessity, and you go through it even if you don’t have one.