Christmas Footnotes

by jkatejohnston

27 December 2013

Looking over what I posted online yesterday, I see how cramped and unChristmasy it was to hold back on The Presents. We love presents! (This is the trouble I get into when I try to have Good Taste.) Anyway, Enzo got many cool animal figures, ancient and modern: carposuchus, carnatosaurus, indo-pacific crocodile (aka salty), deinosuchus, postosuchus, elasmasourus, lyopluerodon, barracuda, three tuna, a diver guy and boat, equipment for the diver guy. Also a stocking full of fancy Japanese candy and thirty-five dollars crisp one dollar bills from my grandma (he practically rolled in them) a stuffed sturgeon (big hit), a fishing book, a dinosaur pop-up book, a dragons and monsters pop-up book, an NFL board game that none of us can understand, a cute pencil sharpener and pencil, a short fat pen, silly string, small playing cards with Santa on the back. 

And Teresa gave me a scarf that she knitted herself, secretly, after school: red, apple-green and purple. She showed me all the dropped stitches and ragged edges and said it’s okay if I tell people that Enzo made it. Never! I love it so much. What’s the point of a homemade scarf if it looks like it came from Target? (Of course we love Target, but you know what I’m saying.)


Enzo’s latest expression, which he got from Kick Buttowski, is “Biscuits!” Which roughly translates: “Crap!” At night when I floss and brush his teeth (yes, I do it because he sucks at it, and I don’t want him to be plagued by guilt and decay when he’s my age) anyway, he sits with Teresa and watches TV while I do his dental hygiene, and lately she’s been watching Absolutely Fabulous. And for the three minutes that we’re in there, Patsy always seems to be saying things like “Piss off!” or “Oh, Shut Up!” and then doing an nice fat line of cocaine. I don’t think they show the cocaine. They show Patsy lifting up her head with a satisfied, bleary expression, sniffing out of one nostril. So, last night as he was getting ready for sleep, Enzo kept repeating “Oh, shut up!” with great relish, and I was thinking, biscuits!


Enzo made up a song—a sort of cheer—which Teresa now can’t get out of her head, so I hear her all around the house:

“I’m gonna catch that fish if it’s the last thing I do.

I’m gonna catch that fish if it’s the last thing I do.

I’m gonna Hook it!

Kill it!

Skin it!

Eat it!”


Time to start thinking of New Year’s Resolutions. Last year (this year) I think I resolved to become famouser. I was supposed to write this online diary, and since there’s a link to my books at the top of the page, I was going to become one of those self-published authors who are described in the Amazon Direct Publishing newsletter as making “a six-figure annual income,” an expression that manages to be both coy and show-offy. But then it turns out they’re all writing genre fiction, genres you didn’t even know existed—Young Adult Paranormal Romances! Gay Sci Fi Erotica!

So I think my resolution is to be grateful to all those hard-working authors who are actually making money for themselves and Amazon and who are the only reason that self-publishing is free for everyone, even the defiantly unpopular—free, Free, FREE. And so, my favorite resolution, always a classic: More of the Same. But with a slightly better attitude.