Neato Bandito

by jkatejohnston

21 June 2014

Dear Max,

Earlier this week I had a day of what felt like good ideas at the time.

I invented crotchless Spanx. If there’s already a little hole in the crotch, you don’t even need scissors. You just rip. The results? In the words of Elizabeth Bishop: refreshing but surprising.

It occurred to me that, since not even my mom will review my books on Amazon, I should just use my mom’s Amazon password and review them myself. Hurrah. And I would write something hilarious like, “My daughter wrote this book. She is also writing this review…” And then I would go shopping.

Another burst of mind, shaking off my genius for obscurity: I could find some young person of good character with no job and a shameless streak to pretend to be me online and market my books in various social media. And we could split the profits.

I could write some more reviews of my books and post them online so that people who have bought my books but not reviewed them can just cut and paste. Such as:


What a hoot!

Neato Bandito!

Funny as hell, and snacks too!

And so on. People need to be encouraged to lower their standards.